Having it all

I'm a devout member of the Church of Oprah. One of the many perks of working from home is that I can turn my TV on every afternoon at 3 p.m. for worship. Today's sermon topic: Can women really have it all? It was enough to make me stand up and shout "HALLELJAH!"

It's working moms and stay-at-homers sounding off on their choices for their families. It's the debate that will never go away as long as printing our own money is frowned upon by authorities. So many moms have no choice but to work. Others make the choice to work because they love what they do. Each side feels guilt, each side is convinced the other is looking down on them.

I see myself in the middle. I left an office job, but I continue to work. When I was pregnant, I burst into tears every time my husband and I talked about day care. I didn't know how we'd manage financially, but I knew that I had to find a way to be at home.

This conviction is not based on religion, politics or tradition. It's just something I knew was my personal truth. My consience, subconscience, superconscience -- all that I am -- told me that I had to be here for Riley.

So I quit my job right before Riley was born, but worked freelance assignments up until my water broke. I went back to work three days after I came home from the hospital. Not that I got a whole helluva lot done. But I was in a panic about how I was going to take up the financial slack I caused when I walked away from a steady paycheck.

I felt so guilty about not pulling my financial weight. I still do. I went through a real identity crisis as I tried to figure out how to be the best mom in the universe but still somehow be Kerry. It took well over a year to come close to a rough balance, and every day is a new juggling act.

I don't make enough money. I don't pursue my true passion -- horses/horseback riding -- the way I should to really keep my happiness balance in the black. I still haven't lost those last 10 pounds I promised myself I'd whittle off. I can't remember the last time I went shopping for myself and enjoyed it, much less bought myself something.

The list of things I gave up on or about June 24, 2005 could fill cyber space. But on every day since then, I've tried to mark a point on my new infinite checklist of what I've gained. This list is much, much longer and more gratifying than my old one.

It's not the right choice for everyone. I don't look down on my friends who went back to the office after six weeks just as I don't look down on my pals who do "nothing but" care for their children. There's no definitive right answer for womenkind. It's up to each of us to find where everything fits in our own lives and totter across our respective tight ropes inch by inch, day by day.

My world has become much smaller since the center of my universe shifted outside of myself. I still pine for my horse. I still wish I could take exotic vacations. I still wish I never worried about pay checks making it in to the bank before the car payment hits. But the eternal maternal cliche rings true: As long as I have my family, I really do have it all.